Werewolves, Guitars, and White Pants
by crazybeagle
Summary: Nessie gets tickets to see her favorite band, and guess who is forced to escort her? Poor, poor Jacob... Featuring complete immaturity and many good-natured jabs at a certain popular boyband.
1. Chapter 1

Werewolves, Guitars, and White Pants

Chapter One

[Author's Note: Okay guys. This is going to be a fun little three-shot that I randomly thought of this afternoon. I wrote about half of it on the back of receipts at work tonight. Just so you know, I do NOT hate the band mentioned in this story, but I imagine that Jacob does, so hear me out. It may stay a one-shot if there's a lack of interest, so please review. Dedicated to my bff Brittany. Brittany, you may be hardcore Team Edward, but I hope you like this anyway!]

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

"Ness? Ness, what's wrong?"

"Jake, come NOW! Mom! MOM!"

I sprinted into the cottage. Renesmee was sitting at the computer in the kitchen, beaming with excitement.

"Damn it, Nessie! Don't do that again! I thought you freaking died or something," I growled, looking over her shoulder at the computer screen. She was on the Jonas Brothers website again. Yuck.

"Jake, guess what?" she said breathlessly, turning to face me.

"What?" I asked wearily, reaching out for her hand so she could show me what she was so excited about.

"No!" she giggled, pulling her hand away. "Guess!"

"Okay, let me guess. The Jonas Brothers all died in a tragic plane crash over the Indian Ocean and their bodies have yet to be recovered."

Nessie looked offended. "No," she said huffily. She took my hand.

_I saw a line of teenage girls waiting outside a box office. A pair of cheaply printed tickets. The inside of a big, noisy arena. Some curly-haired dude with white pants playing a Les Paul._

I pulled my hand away and rolled my eyes.

"They're coming to Seattle!" Nessie shrieked. "Next month!"

I made a retching sound. "Seriously, what is the deal with those guys, anyway? They sound like crap and they're probably gay. You're too good for them, Ness."

"They are NOT gay!"

"Have you _seen_ their pants?"

"Just because _you_ run around in tattered shorts all the time…"

"Who's gay?" Alice asked, striding through the doorway.

"The Jonas Brothers," I told her.

"Aww, I like them!" Alice trilled. "They're adorable!"

"Gross! Alice, you're probably old enough to be their great-grandmother or something."

Alice shrugged. "Their music's catchy, and I _do_ know a cute boy when I see one."

"Renesmee!" Bella came tearing into the cottage, Edward not far behind. Edward had an amused smirk on his face. I could tell he'd already heard Renesmee's mental excitement.

"Renesmee, honey, are you alright?" Bella cried.

"Never better!" She grabbed Bella's hand. Bella's eyes lost their focus for a few seconds, and then she turned on Nessie, her eyes now narrowed.

"A Jonas Brothers concert? Renesmee Carlie Cullen, I thought you'd hurt yourself!"

I nearly rolled my eyes. Typical overprotective Bella. Nessie was half bloodsucker. More than a match for your average axe murderer. But then again, I had come running when I heard her, too. Edward, apparently hearing my little train of thought, caught my eye and chuckled.

"Can I go, Mom? Please?"

Edward still looked amused. "Renesmee, honey, don't you think you're a little…_old_ for the Jonas Brothers?"

Ness laughed. "I may look sixteen, but technically, Daddy, I'm only two, remember? And besides, tons of girls at Forks High love the Jonas Brothers. Please?"

Edward sighed. "Apparently, not even the genes of a vampire are enough to quell the mighty force of hormones."

"It's not just hormones," Ness protested. "You know I love their music."

It was true. Nessie could sing those songs and play them on the guitar and piano better than the Jonas Brothers themselves. They were still crappy songs, but Nessie could make even "Year 3000" sound pretty dang awesome.

"Where is the concert?" Bella asked nervously.

"Seattle. In about three weeks."

"I don't want you going to Seattle alone."

"Aw, Bella. Let her have her fun," Alice said, patting Ness on the shoulder. Bella shot her a you-stay-out-of-this glare.

"Yeah, Mom. It's not like the Volturri are going to ambush me at a Jonas Brothers concert."

Bella winced at the mention of the Volturri, and so did I, my mind suddenly filled with a vivid image of that evil little leech Jane dressed like some kind of twelve-year-old groupie. Great. Now I was worried. It wasn't like we'd heard from the Volturri since that little ordeal two years ago after Ness was born, but just thinking about them made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

Ness looked pleadingly at Edward. He cleared his throat, a little smile playing on his lips. _Oh no_.

"I agree with your mother," he announced. "You're not going unless you have an escort. And I think…" He looked at me pointedly. "I think I know the perfect escort."

Crap.

Ness looked delighted. She turned to me. "Will you take me, Jacob? Please?" Her eyes were bright with expectation, trust, and…happiness. Ugh. It wasn't like I could say no to the center of my whole universe. But…the freaking _Jonas Brothers?_ Who made up the rules for this whole imprinting thing, anyway?

"Sure, Nessie. Anything you want," I told her, trying to sound as nice as possible. _I hate you_, I thought at Edward with all my might.

He laughed. "Oh, I know. Take care of my daughter, now. Get her home on time."

"Yay!" Ness threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek. "You rock, Jake."

Bella looked relieved, but she smiled at me apologetically. Alice and Edward were sniggering.

Ness was thrilled, and that was all that mattered. But…a Jonas Brothers concert? I was never going to live this one down.


	2. Chapter 2

[Short chapter, guys! Thank you, reviewers! Dedicated to Brittany again, because she appreciates my wierd sense of humor. :D And Astarel, I'm still mad at you for your most recent expression of JoBro hate, but I hope you enjoy this anyway, jerk!]

I dreaded the trip back home. Leah and Seth were out hunting, and the second I phased I knew they'd know all about everything. God, I wanted nothing more right now than to rip Edward Cullen to shreds.

***

Their responses were pretty much what I expected. Leah was roaring with laughter for about ten minutes straight. At least Seth was sympathetic...sort of.

_Dude, you are so whipped._

_Tell me about it,_ I grumbled.

_So do you think you'll have to, like, meet them or anything?_

_Knowing the Cullens, heck yeah. Front row seats and VIP passes, I'm sure. They could probably buy the Jonas Brothers themselves if they wanted to. _

_Omigod! _Leah shrieked. _Oh. My. GOD! You have to get me Nick's autograph. He is like sooo sexy!_

_Alright, pack leader says shut up, biz-otch. _

_You do know that Nick Jonas is, like, younger than me, right Leah?_ Seth asked.

_Ew, how do you even know that?_ Leah countered. _Something you'd care to share with the group there, bro?_

_Well, Anabelle likes them. _Anabelle was Seth's girlfriend._ Between her and Nessie, I know some stuff. _

_Hey, you should tag along, _I told Leah. _Maybe you'll imprint on one of them if you're lucky. _

_They are pretty hot, Jake. If you and Nessie weren't already a thing, I'd be warning you not to go anywhere near the Jonas Brothers. _Leah was giggling hysterically again.

_I said shut UP. _

_Look at it this way, Jake, _Seth said after a few minutes of tense silence. _In Nessie's eyes, you are now officially the most awesome boyfriend ever._

_***_

When I got back to the house, I found Quil sitting cross-legged on the living room carpet near the TV, Claire perched in his lap. Claire was wearing the same vacant stare she always wore when she was in the middle of an episode of Hannah Montana.

Quil looked up. "Hey."

"Hey, Quil." I resisted the urge to grin stupidly at the sight of the two of them sitting on the floor watching TV together. It was so...cute.

"I heard about the concert. Seth texted me. I feel your pain, dude," he said, gesturing to Claire. "I have sat through Camp Rock three times with this girl."

I winced. I'd forgotten all the cringe-worthy things Quil had endured for the object of his imprinting.

I had only been forced to watch Camp Rock once, and Nessie had even agreed to watch Blair Witch Project with me afterwards. You actually learn some fascinating things watching movies at the Cullen house. According to Emmett, the Canadian campground where Camp Rock was filmed is an excellent spot for bear hunting, and according to Jasper, Shane and Mitchie's lake is full of trash and slimy algae. Apparently, Emmett had once thrown Jasper into that lake. And while we were watching Blair Witch Project, Carlisle had explained that the real Blair Witch, Elly Kedward, was actually an Appalachian vampire who had been snuffed by the Volturri in the early seventies for being too conspicuous to the locals while playing with her food.

"Jake's going to a concert?" Claire looked up at Quil.

"Yup." He smiled. "A Jonas Brothers concert."

Claire's eyes got huge. "The Jonas Brothers?" she whispered in awe. She stood up and ran over to me, grabbing my leg and clinging to it. She looked up at me and whispered, "Did you know _Shane's_ in the Jonas Brothers?"

"Isn't it 'Joe', Claire?" Quil laughed.

She ignored him. "Someday I'm gonna be Mrs. Shane," she told me, her eyes shining with sincerity. "Tell him I love him, 'kay, Jake? And....and give him a _kiss_ for me."

Quil snorted. "Yeah, give Shane a kiss, Jake, and while you're at it, tell Kevin I like his butt, 'kay?"

Just shoot me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Werewolves, Guitars, and White Pants**

**Chapter 3**

**Hey guys! I'm so so so sorry I haven't updated this in forever. I've been going through an obsession with the musical Wicked for the past several months and so that's pretty much all I've been writing about. I want to give big virtual slices of coconut crème pie to all my wonderful reviewers thus far. I can't believe the response I got for the last two (very short) chapters. Go Twilighters! ;P**

**PS- I want to reaffirm the fact that I actually have a rather unhealthy obsession with the Jonas Brothers (I almost died when Kevin smiled at me at the World Tour in July), but they're so easy to make fun of, so...**

…_Well he doesn't look a thing like Jesus_

_But he talks like a gentleman_

_Like you imagined when you were young…._

The song was interrupted by a bunch of loud, obnoxious squeaks and beeps that sounded from the plastic guitar in my hands. I'd missed about seven notes in a row.

"Dude, I'm so creaming you," Seth observed, his eyes still glued to the huge plasma screen in front of us. It was the day of the concert, and I was taking advantage of the Cullens' massive TV set and Wii system while waiting for Nessie to get ready. I was trying really hard not to think about the concert, but Guitar Hero was not proving to be a very successful distraction.

A few seconds later, Seth paused the game and turned to me, looking irritated. "Jake."

"What?"

"Come on. I'm kicking your ass, and I suck at this game. What gives?"

"Uh…"

Emmett, who was sitting on the couch behind us, snorted. "I'm impressed, Jake. Four hours before the concert and already your manliness is already slowly slipping away…"

I turned around to glare at him. "Wanna bet?" I growled, baring my teeth. I would've liked nothing more at that moment than to pummel him, to do something the least bit macho before I was sentenced to spend two freaking hours among the hormonal fangirls.

Emmett smirked. "No, I don't wanna bet. I couldn't possibly bring myself to beat up on you today, bucko. I might mess up your 'do." He stared pointedly at my hair, which was sticking up in all directions despite my halfhearted attempts to flatten it with some hair gel. Nessie had specifically asked me to dress decently tonight, and I had done my best to comply, wearing my least holey t-shirt and a clean pair of jeans. My hair, though, was a lost cause.

I sighed and flopped down on the couch. As much as I wanted to rip Emmett's head off, I couldn't pick a fight with him right now or Nessie would flay me alive.

Seth laughed. "Wow, you really are whipped."

Emmett shook his head. "Oh no. You don't know the meaning of the word 'whipped' until you've seen Jasper during one of Alice's Bi-Annual Broadway Karaoke Nights. To this day all you have to do is say the words 'Light My Candle' and he'll shudder."

Seth snorted. "Poor guy. Did she make him play Roger?"

Emmett's eyes got huge. "Oh my God. Don't tell me you've actually_ seen _RENT."

"My girlfriend made me watch it with her," Seth said defensively, his face going red.

"Wow, Seth," Emmett said, grinning. "And you say _Jake's_ whipped?"

"I thought RENT was quite good, actually," said Edward, who had just come from the kitchen and was leaning against the doorway. Seth smiled gratefully at him.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Edward."

"And so did you," Edward said slyly. Emmett glared at him.

Alice pranced into the room before Emmett had a chance to retaliate. She ran right up to me and snatched the guitar out of my hands.

"Hey, give that back-" I started.

"Close your eyes, Jake," she ordered.

"Why?"

"Just do it!" she shrieked.

I obeyed.

"Come on down, Nessie!" she called.

I heard footsteps coming down the front staircase. A few seconds later, I heard Seth whisper, "Whoa."

"Okay, open them," Alice giggled, grabbing my elbow and wheeling me around so that I was facing the staircase.

I opened my eyes, and I felt my jaw drop.

There was Renesmee, wearing a very short, very low-cut red satin dress and a pair of shiny black heels. She was smiling shyly at me. "Do you like it?" she asked.

I opened my mouth to tell her yes, but all that came out was, "Damn…"

Nessie giggled. I heard Edward growl, and in an instant he was standing in front of me, angrily jabbing a finger into my chest. "You watch yourself, Black."

"Yeah, Jake," Emmett drawled. "Stop staring at Nessie's b-" Alice kicked him in the shin to shut him up.

Edward turned to Renesmee. "Darling, why are you dressed like that?" he asked wearily.

She smiled mischievously. Edward's eyes slid out of focus for a second as he listened for her thoughts, and then he sighed, exasperated.

"Song lyrics?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yup," she said, her smile widening. "Y'know, _'High heels, red dress…'_"

Alice chuckled. "'_Cause I'm burnin' up, burnin' up for you, baby!'_" she sang joyfully.

"I thought it would be fun," Nessie explained. "And it was an excuse to borrow Rosalie's shoes."

"Yup," Emmett added. "Gotta dress nice and sexy for your boys, now don't you, Nessie?"

Two spots of color immediately appeared on Nessie's pale cheeks and she looked slightly guilty.

"Wait a second…" I muttered, realizing something. We had backstage passes. She was going to meet the Jonas Brothers tonight.

Dressed like _that._

Nessie caught my eye and her blush deepened.

"Nessie, go change," I growled.

"What? No! Why?"

"I'm not letting you go within ten miles of the Jonas Brothers in that dress."

She glared at me. "And why not?"

"Because teenage boys have dirty minds."

"You're one to talk," Edward muttered.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, stop sucking the fun out of everything, Jake. I'm not trying to…to _seduce _the Jonas Brothers or anything. It's not like they'll notice."

"Oh, they'll notice," Alice laughed. "Nick in particular, though he'll try to hide it."

Nessie grinned in spite of herself and turned to Alice. "Really?" she whispered.

"Really. He won't be able to get you out of his head for weeks, poor boy."

"Wow," Nessie breathed. She was smiling that huge, beautiful smile of hers that always made my heart skip three beats.

I sighed, admitting defeat. If the thought of Nick Jonas ogling her was making her this happy, I might as well not rain on her parade.

And besides, I had to admit that it was a great dress.

**NOTE: If you have not seen RENT before, it's an absolutely fantastically amazingly awesome Broadway show (and movie) about the Bohemian community in New York's East Village in the late eighties and early nineties, and their struggles with poverty and the AIDS epidemic. If you haven't seen it, here's a link to the "Light My Candle" scene from the movie, so you can see what song poor Jasper was forced to sing with Alice on karaoke night: www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=urfB-_iX-gE&feature=related (About the song: it's got some suggestiveness and drug references, so if that makes you uncomfortable don't watch it!)**


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